“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Okay, Sheri... You Are A Big Girl... Act Like It!

White Sands National Monument, New Mexico
photography by Anthony

Wednesday Night.  I had just dropped Christopher off for kids' choir rehearsal at church.  I needed to eat dinner, but Anthony had to work late.  Do I dare walk into the church by myself and eat dinner on my own?  It would be too overwhelming to walk into that room and figure out where to sit... or who to sit with.  What if I ended up sitting by myself?  Wouldn't other people notice and think "poor Sheri"... all alone... eating dinner by herself.  As if all eyes would be on me.  It would just be easier to run over to Pizzicato's... grab a slice of pizza and a magazine... and eat dinner without anyone knowing me.

The struggle.  I couldn't believe it.  Wow!  Am I really this insecure?  Yes, I am.  But hadn't I just spoken to women on Tuesday about stretching their comfort zone.  Didn't I just wear a pink feather boa as I taught about Abraham?  Weren't these the same women who would be at church eating dinner?  Okay, Sheri... suck it up... you are going to eat dinner by yourself at church.  You can do this!  You are a big girl... act like it!

I walked into the room.  Surveyed the other diners.  Yes, I did know some of them... was there room at their table?  Or were they done eating and just about to get up and leave, as I would be sitting down?  Aha!  Steve and Jeannette are in line with me getting dinner.  I know them.  I'll just follow them to their table... and voila!

I am half laughing and half cringing as I write this... who wants to admit their insecurity?  I feel childish and weak and alone in it all.  And God knows that... and on Thursday what book did I start to read?  So Long, Insecurity!  Perfect timing!

So Long Insecurity Week One!
Here are my answers to the questions Beth posed in her first post.
1. Write a journal-type entry on the inside cover of your book describing this present season of your life and why you’ve chosen to read a book like this. 
Okay... see above!  Plus... I love sharing whatever I learn with the precious sisters around me... and you, too!

2. When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting. 
Just this morning!  Anthony's mood dictates mine... if he seems upset about anything... I think it is my fault... what did I do wrong?  I feel I need him to tell me exactly how I contributed to whatever is going on inside him. 
3. What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why? 
Page 17. "A deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."  In my family of origin, two common statements were "Just get over it" and "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about."  Wasn't really encouraged to face my feelings... so I think that still follows me today.
I have decided to open up this post to your answers to the So Long Insecurity Week One! post.  I encourage you to post your answers to Beth's questions on her blog, but I thought it might be interesting if we had a little small group here, too.  That way we could work alongside one another... encourage one another... and have a little discussion, too.

Feel free to post your comment Anonymously.
Feel free to leave a comment even if you are not reading the book. 
I'll refer back to this post next Thursday when Beth posts our new questions.

All I can say is... I already know this book is going to be added to my "altar" shelf.  I am ready to "press through the discomfort of staring at my weaknesses than live in denial and bondage." Page 16.

For we are God's workmanship, 
created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 
which God prepared in advance for us to do.  
Ephesians 2:10


rooney said...

i am bawling. everything you said is so ME. i will post more later on the homework assignment. thank you for opening up your blog to discussion on the book.

Amy said...

I don't have the book, but I wanted to jump in on the discussion as well. I'm right there with you! I still get butterflies in my stomach when I enter a room full of people, even those I know. I wonder, "where will I sit?", "will I know anyone?", "what will we talk about?" You are not alone!

elizabeth embracing life said...

1. Write a journal-type entry on the inside cover of your book describing this present season of your life and why you’ve chosen to read a book like this.
Not reading this book, but hoping to follow through your blog. However my insecurities in this season are in my inabilities.

2. When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Hmmm our gender...I think I stress to much over the weight I have been, which each year since my 4th baby I lose about ten pounds but I still think about it every day.

Three did not work out since I am not reading the book.

rooney said...

ok. i think i'm finally ready to answer questions 2 and 3. it is difficult facing these issues in myself, which is all the more reason why this subject is so timely.
1) When was the last time i came face-to-face with with our gender's massive struggle with insecurity?
goodness. i face my own struggle with insecurity daily. some small, seemingly insignificant ways to an outsider, but huge to me. i guess the most frequent thing is when my DH chooses to read and watch tv at the same time, while i'm sitting beside him. and then lays down in bed to read some more at a very early hour,leaving me alone in the living room. when he is so 'ingrossed' in a tv show that he doesn't even hear me speak. when we watch tv during dinner instead of talking. i am constantly telling myself not to take it personally because i know he is madly in love with me, but it hurts nonetheless.

2) What part of the definition of insecurity resonates most with me?
i have the 'normal' insecurity about my physical appearance. :-) but i think the part of the definition about whether my own feelings and desires are legimitate, resonates most with me. i grew up with the same sayings as you, Sheri. As the 3rd of 4 kids, i was the peace-keeper. I never did much to shake things up. i'd rather be quiet than make waves. i still do that today. i don't even feel like i can say, 'can we please turn down the tv a little?' because who am i that MY preference for the volume on the tv is more important than someone else's? ugh. i hate that.

what i want most of all is for God to heal this in me. not so i can be puffed up, but so i can get my life in perspective. i long to say with all my heart...my worth comes from the fact that I'm a daughter of the Most High God.

Vicki Cluxton said...

1. I wrote my prayer inside book cover as suggested.

2. Today! My hubby affectionately patted my hindside and I came unglued. I have always hated my body shape, even before I began struggling with weight.

3. "The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate." My parents were divorced when I was a baby. I have only met my dad 2 times in 55 years. I have always struggled with a fear of rejection, as a child and still as a woman - but for some reason, I guess I never put the label of "insecure" with that fear.

What a great idea for us to have a small group posting to help one another share - I know God wants to use this study to help me say "so long" to what has plagued me and kept me from the freeom He wants me to experience.

christy rose said...

I think that what you just posted could have been written by 90% of the women in the world. We all have insecurities that we do not even recognize until we sit down to examine them. Thanks for your honesty shown here today. :)

Go-Between said...

1. I am with Vicky. That is an area that I am very insecure in - and like her, even when I was thin! But I saw my insecurity last night surface even in my most secure relationship, my relationship with my girls. We had talked often yesterday and then when bedtime rolled around, and I hadn't heard from them as usual, I just assumed that they were tired of hearing from me! 0_0 No, my oldest had come down with the flu!
2. sense of self-doubt and uncertainty of our basic worth. And the part about the only reason God uses you because you have hidden something from His Omniscient eyes. One can see it in my response in the above example and so many many more. Even though my girls considered me their closest confidant and respect and love me, I am still unsure. I know it comes from my sexual abuse background along with the horrendous emotional and physical abuse - but oh to relate in the truth now. It is not then and I am valued, both by my family and husband and by God. This is still head knowledge but I want it to be heart knowledge!

Beautiful Daughters said...

Have not started the book yet but looking forward to it. I have told so many about it. I liked how Beth encouraged us to write a prayer in the book before we started reading it.

Anonymous said...

1.Why am I reading this book? For much of my life, my daily ‘assignments’ have plagued me with fear. Not the completely irrational fears like “I’m going to be eaten by a lion today” but the still irrational fears of “if I speak, they’ll think I am stupid”. I live with anxiety and a pit in the bottom of my stomach because I fear what others are going to think of me. Wow – that’s not exactly reflective of God’s love! I am reading this book because I am ready to believe what God says about me. I want to act like my belief in Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

2.I don’t have to look very hard! I am afraid to post this answer. I am insecure about sharing my answer to how I am insecure. I constantly think about how others are seeing me and I assume it is in a negative light. “She has put on weight since the baby” “Did you see her reaction, she isn’t a very a good mom” “What she does for a living…. lame”

3.The portion of the definition that resonated with me was the first part. “A profound sense of self doubt, a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and or place in the world”
Am I good enough to do this? Some doubts paralyze me causing inaction in parts of my life where I would like to move forward.