“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Thursday, March 18, 2010

So Long, Insecurity - Week 5
Fear. Hesitance. Resistance. Distance.

photography by Anthony

I have been wondering why I haven't been blogging lately.  
I have come to realize that... I am afraid.  There are some dear sisters who are heavy on my heart... and honestly I am afraid that they will see themselves in my posts.  And I don't know what that is like... And although they may not mind... And although it might bring healing to them... or someone else... I have been hesitant.
Words I want to post.  That sit in my head.  And in my heart.  But fearing that my words may be misunderstood... and worse yet... hurt a dear sister.  I can't bear it.  And so... in being hesitant... I have been resistant to what the Lord has been speaking to me... and my resistance has brought distance.
Fearful Existence.
Worried Hesitance.
Defiant Resistance.
Divine Distance.

And here I am... still not ready to post those words.  

And I can't help but think that this is all wrapped up in my insecurity... especially knowing that I have been praying for the Lord to completely reveal my insecurity to me.  I mean, really... what was I thinking?  Of course, He was going to answer that prayer.

And I thought I would share with you some of the prayer that was written in Chapter 9 of So Long, Insecurity.  Parts of the prayer that will so obviously reveal my insecurity... but I am praying that revelation will bring healing... and healing will bring obedience to write the words on my heart... and obedience will bring intimacy, again.

As You reveal Yourself to me, I ask that you also mercifully reveal myself to me.  Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing... 


Forgive me of the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity... For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be...


Forgive me for my unbelief.  If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted... 
Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great...


From now on, Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my conviction until I'm instantly aware when insecurity is my own making...


Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status...


Use change to provoke what needs changing in me, Lord...


Father, help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships.  

Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me...


Help me to cease being so easily wounded...


Help me to realize that it's pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better.


Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.

I am currently reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore and I am participating in the So Long, Insecurity Discussion Group on the Living Proof Ministries blog.  I decided to open my blog up to anyone who wanted to post their answers to the discussion group so that we can encourage one another in a somewhat smaller group.

These are my answers to the questions posed for Week Five based on Chapter 9.
Italics indicate either the question that Beth Moore posed on her blog or that the passage is found in the book So Long, Insecurity.

2 comments:

Heidi said...

Thank you for sharing what's on your heart Sheri. Remember the discussion about being obedient when God places that thought that won't leave? I know how scary it is when your insecurity autopilot takes the wheel. I'm so thankful for you and you will be blessed :]

vintage girl at heart said...

Feel the same way on so many levels.
I feel better about feeling that way now though.
This little light of mine.....