“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Saturday, July 30, 2011

But she has decided to wipe the tears away.
Reapply her mascara. Get in the car. And drive.

Not everyone is affected by insecurity in the same way.  What affects one person... may not affect another.  For me?  I can wear my Minnie Mouse ears to my church's elementary track and field event. ( I figured it would make people smile AND I am getting my money's worth each time I am wearing them!)  But a trip to the mall can totally unveil my insecurity.

I wrote the following post last year when I was reading through So Long, Insecurity for the first time.  I was headed to an event that evening that had in the past been a cause of insecurity for me... and I was thinking there might be someone else who could relate...

Originally posted on February 26, 2010

photography by Anthony Kaetzel

She is going tonight.
It is a fight for her.
She would much rather stay home.

But she knows this is good for her.
And perhaps...
Just maybe...
She'll meet someone.

Someone who will make her feel
Not alone.

But as she packs her suitcase...
Tears flood her eyes.
Because she is not sure.
Because she is insecure.

Why would she think
It would be different this time?
That it is worth the risk?

She fears that she will sit alone.
And others will notice, but not reach out.
They will all be content to stay
In their warm cozy cliques.

And she will tell herself...
"See, I told you so.
I am not trying anymore."

But she has decided to wipe the tears away.
Reapply her mascara.
Get in the car.
And drive.

She prays silently as she drives.
Asking God for something...
Wondering if it is wrong of her for wanting...
A friend.

And I have been praying for her.
Because I have been her.
And I will be there...
Waiting for her.

And I want her to know
There are others praying for her.
And they will be there...
Waiting for her.

She is going to a women's retreat tonight.
It is a fight for her.
But she will be glad
That she did not stay home.

1 comment:

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

I remember reading this a year ago and thinking how much I could have easily played both rolls... the insecure woman arriving at a retreat (longing for a friend) and the woman ready to welcome the insecure soul.

On my recent sojourn to She Speaks, I felt both emotions throughout the weekend. I spent a lot of time by walking the hallways by myself, nighttimes being especially hard for me. While everyone was frolicking around and running the motel in their pj's, I was hiding in my room, needing the comfort of a bed and some quiet.

At other times, I reached out to those who seemed to be alone like me and ended up enjoying those visits immensely.

I think you know this, but this has been the loneliest year of my life. I long for a soul-friend where I don't have to work so hard at being understood. Someone to just come and whisk me away to lunches and to take walks with me.

I was thinking of you tonight while out taking my walk ... thinking about your willingness to step out and try new things, lead new groups, even though your preference might be to stay hidden. You inspire me to live better... to take those tentative steps toward population rather than isolation.

Funny... I never used to be this way. It's hard finding my way through some days.

I love you, friend. Just wanted to stop by and let you know.