“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Monday, July 18, 2011

I Am So Totally Insecure... Believe It Or Not

I have to admit that I am a little nervous... or is it anxious... or is it nervous anxiety?  Tomorrow is the first meeting of our "So Long, Insecurity" book discussion small group at Portland Christian Center... which I am facilitating.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was anticipating the arrival of Beth Moore's book on insecurity.  And when it came out, the LPM blog gave an opportunity to go through the book week by week along with thousands of other women and have a "discussion" via our comments.  Doing the study now with the Group Experience workbook has prompted me to look back on my previous answers.

Am I totally secure?  No.  I still struggle.  Just the other day I was in a situation where I felt women were totally judging me.  And I became angry and started judging them back!  Until I saw the cycle I had entered... and asked God to help me see who I was in the situation.  And who they were... precious daughters of God... who had not said a word or even looked at me... but I unfairly assumed through my own insecurity that they were judging me.  Sisters!!! I know I am not the only one who struggles.

But I have to admit that I am secure enough to lead the study.  To offer the group and wonder if anyone will come alongside me... but knowing that there are sisters out there who need this... and we need each other... so I am going to "build a bridge and get over it"!!!

There's still time to join us... and if you are feeling a little insecure about coming to a group where you don't know anyone... then this is the group for you !
If you aren't able to join us, feel free to follow along.  This week we will be discussing Chapter One of the book ~ Mad Enough To Change, pages 1-14; and Session One of the group experience ~ Insecurity:  A Bad Friend, pages 1-10.


Originally posted, Saturday, February 13, 2010
Okay, Sheri... You Are A Big Girl... Act Like It!

White Sands National Monument, New Mexico
photography by Anthony Kaetzel

Wednesday Night.  I had just dropped Christopher off for kids' choir rehearsal at church.  I needed to eat dinner, but Anthony had to work late.  Do I dare walk into the church by myself and eat dinner on my own?  It would be too overwhelming to walk into that room and figure out where to sit... or who to sit with.  What if I ended up sitting by myself?  Wouldn't other people notice and think "poor Sheri"... all alone... eating dinner by herself.  As if all eyes would be on me.  It would just be easier to run over to Pizzicato's... grab a slice of pizza and a magazine... and eat dinner without anyone knowing me.

The struggle.  I couldn't believe it.  Wow!  Am I really this insecure?  Yes, I am.  But hadn't I just spoken to women on Tuesday about stretching their comfort zone.  Didn't I just wear a pink feather boa as I taught about Abraham?  Weren't these the same women who would be at church eating dinner?  Okay, Sheri... suck it up... you are going to eat dinner by yourself at church.  You can do this!  You are a big girl... act like it!

I walked into the room.  Surveyed the other diners.  Yes, I did know some of them... was there room at their table?  Or were they done eating and just about to get up and leave, as I would be sitting down?  Aha!  Steve and Jeannette are in line with me getting dinner.  I know them.  I'll just follow them to their table... and voila!

I am half laughing and half cringing as I write this... who wants to admit their insecurity?  I feel childish and weak and alone in it all.  And God knows that... and on Thursday what book did I start to read?  So Long, Insecurity!  Perfect timing!

So Long Insecurity Week One!
Here are my answers to the questions Beth posed in her first post.
1. Write a journal-type entry on the inside cover of your book describing this present season of your life and why you’ve chosen to read a book like this. 
Okay... see above!  Plus... I love sharing whatever I learn with the precious sisters around me... and you, too!

2. When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting. 
Just this morning!  Anthony's mood dictates mine... if he seems upset about anything... I think it is my fault... what did I do wrong?  I feel I need him to tell me exactly how I contributed to whatever is going on inside him. 
3. What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why? 
Page 17. "A deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."  In my family of origin, two common statements were "Just get over it" and "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about."  Wasn't really encouraged to face my feelings... so I think that still follows me today.
I have decided to open up this post to your answers to the So Long Insecurity Week One! post.  I encourage you to post your answers to Beth's questions on her blog, but I thought it might be interesting if we had a little small group here, too.  That way we could work alongside one another... encourage one another... and have a little discussion, too.

Feel free to post your comment Anonymously.
Feel free to leave a comment even if you are not reading the book. 
I'll refer back to this post next Thursday when Beth posts our new questions.

All I can say is... I already know this book is going to be added to my "altar" shelf.  I am ready to "press through the discomfort of staring at my weaknesses than live in denial and bondage." Page 16.

For we are God's workmanship, 
created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 
which God prepared in advance for us to do.  
Ephesians 2:10

1 comment:

elizabeth embracing life said...

I was thinking of answering the questions, but then I don't have the book. It that okay? I guess I am insecure about the "rules" today.