“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Decision.

 Quick snap of the camera shutter... catching beauty at the Grand Canyon.


Quick.  I had to make a decision.
She wouldn't look at me.
We have known each other for a couple years.
We hadn't spoken in a while.
I stood there waiting to say hello.
But she would not even share a glance with me.
She spoke to others.
Carried on a conversation with others.

And I had to make a decision.
The self-talk was overwhelming me.
Like a wave.  A big wave.  An overwhelming wave.
Would I ride the wave?
Or would the wave ride me?
Would I swim?
Or would I sink?
Or would I drown?

I had to make a quick decision.
As the thoughts raced through my head.
Did I do something wrong?
Is there something wrong with me?
Does she know that she is ignoring me?
Right in front of others. 

Okay, deep breath.
Am I being insecure?
YES!
Is she hurting my feelings?
YES!
Is she being mean?
Maybe.

Okay, what am I going to do?
Quick.
What am I going to do?
I am fading.
Into my insecurity.
Quick, Sheri.  Make the decision.
The decision.
What's it going to be?

Okay, deep breath.
Am I being insecure?
YES!
Is she hurting my feelings?
YES!
Is she being mean?
Maybe.
Is there something else going on?
Maybe.
Is she insecure around me?
Maybe.
YES!

The decision.
Grace.
Grace.
For her.
Grace.
For me.

Okay, Lord.
I am redirecting my thoughts.
It's not about me. 
I don't need it to be about me.
I will offer her grace.
I will offer her grace for my sake.

And I will gracefully turn around.
Look for someone else.
Offer a smile.  A hello.
And move on. 

Reminding myself that she may not realize that I am not as secure as she thinks I am. 
Of course, she isn't thinking of me at all. 
But part of me wants to let her know...
Just because I look like I am a really secure person...
It doesn't mean her insecurity doesn't affect me.
And for her sake I will pray for her.
And for my sake I will pray for her.

But for my own sake... I made the decision.  Praying that you can, too.

5 comments:

Belinda said...

I have felt this before and I am sure we all have at one time or another. I admire your honesty and your willingness to share your vulnerabilities with others. You help us feel stronger to know that we are not alone. Thank you Sheri!

elizabeth embracing life said...

This is a sad dancing of thoughts that many of have encountered. Out on my walk this morning, talking about this very thing with a dear friend. Only we are so different. I told my friend of how this person ignores me and my only way of overcoming it, is to walk up to her every single time and smile, say hello and as I walk away knowing that I truly have not done anything, intentional or purposeful to hurt her and if I did, well then she should tell me. Is that grace? So instead I smile and say hello with love and grace.

sister sheri said...

Thanks, Belinda! Love you, my friend!

And dear Lizzie... Well, the decision is to do "something." And that is exactly what I was trying to do... say hello to someone who has been ignoring me. I wanted to do what you did, but the moment with the others there... This is what I decided to do this time. I couldn't find the graceful way to say hello and have her look up without it being obvious that she was not including me. I needed to save my spirit before I ran out of the room and tossed my cookies! tmi!

Cynthia said...

Each encounter offers its own choices at that time. I like that you walked away and bathed the moment and the situation in prayer. I have thought about "my" own dilemma and have decided to do the same. There is something gentle spirited and humble about that choice that appeals to me. Thanks Friend.

LittleWomen21 said...

I struggle with this too in my church, though often I wonder if it is just people being preoccupied rather than purposefully ignoring. But I struggle with insecurity, so it makes me think that they are trying to evade me by refusing eye contact.

But either way - intentional or not - the answer is always to respond with grace. Thanks for the reminder.