“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Monday, December 5, 2011

I Don't Want To Find My Want-To

I don't want to find my want-to.

I have been reading Made to Crave and it teaches that
We pretty much know the how-to.
The how-to lose weight.
And that is true.
I do know how to.
I've done it enough times before.
So many times that I don't want to try again.
Why bother?
I'll lose the weight and then gain it back.
So why bother.
Why go through the deprivation for a couple weeks
Only to get back to where I was?
And perhaps even more.
I don't want to find my want-to.
It is too much effort.
I don't want to fail,
Again.

I don't want to find my want-to.

But what I really don't want to do is
Buy more clothes.
Bigger clothes.
And I don't want to keep seeing myself
In a photo
And wonder
Why does my face look rounder than before?
And I really don't want to admit that
I rely upon my personality to
Overcome my over-layering of clothes
And scarves.

And I don't want to
Judge or be judged.
Some would say to me
You don't need to lose any weight.
And I don't want to
think that skinniness is tied to godliness.
But
I do need to find my want-to
And the only true lasting change in my life
Has come from my relationship with God.

Do I need to find my want-to?
What I need is
To want to find my want-to.

And tomorrow
I will hang out with some sisters
Who will be wanting to find their want-to, too.
And maybe
We will find it together.

But right now
I'll admit
That I don't want to.
So for now
I will be praying that
I will be willing to find
My want-to.

6 comments:

Tania Larson said...

I want to want to too! I hope I find it with you!

Belinda said...

Beautiful Poetry! I'm am happy to sit with you and our sisters again. I pray more sisters will join us too.

gideonmommasita said...

You already have the want to, you want to search and find God and to know HIM. For me it was remembering that it is all connected. I love the way you write, love, love love it. It's like being in a creative writing class only without all the annoying people writing about crazy stuff.
Would you recommend the book to a man?

Sherrie said...

I want it too..and together, with HIM we will find Him...who will help us!

Kathi Woodall said...

I was just thinking about this this morning. I know how to lose weight. I just don't want to discipline myself to do it. I love what Gideonmommasita said - it is all connected.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

I hear you... loud and clear, sister.

Praying our "want to" is under our tree this year.

peace~elaine