“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Monday, July 2, 2012


Dear God,

I feel like I keep putting a Band-Aid on this certain relationship.  It starts to heal and then... OUCH!  The Band-Aid is abruptly pulled off.  And the wound is shown, again.  And not only does it hurt.  But it hurts, again.  And it hadn't really healed the first time.  Or the second time.  Or the third time... and all those hurts are all wrapped into this recent hurt now.

I am trying to forgive.  Truly, I am.  I am trying to LOVE as you have told me to do.  But I am wondering if it is good for me to stay in the relationship.  I mean it hurts.  Bad.  And I think the best thing to do is to quit it.  Quit the relationship. 

So, okay.  You said somewhere in the Bible to someone who asked you how many times they have to forgive.  And you told them 70 times 7.  Well, being a mathematician I can figure that is 490 times.  And I figured that they have hurt me about 457 times.  So, I am pretty close to that 490.  So, can I give up now?  They won't have to hurt me.  Or be tempted to hurt me.  And I won't have to forgive them anymore.  That works for me, okay?

Okay.  Okay.  I know.  I am sometimes the one ripping the Band-Aid off.  I guess I just want to know if it is healed.  And it is not.  So, I bought these pretty Band-Aids.  I mean I might as well look cute while I am in pain, right?

What are you trying to teach me?  I figure there is a lesson in here somewhere, right?  You must be trying to make me stronger or something?  I know there was a time a while ago when I sensed that you had mentioned to me that this had something to do with them.  Needing loving people around them so that they could grow and that I would be a safe person for them in the process.   I would be one who would pray for them.

But God sometimes I want to lash out and remind them of all the times they have hurt me.  All those times.  But I sense from you that it is not time.  It may never be time.  And that you might be using me in their life.  And that you might be using this to make me stronger.  Stronger so that I might help others who are going through something similar.  Perhaps those who have already forgiven 490 times and they are done.  DONE.  D. O. N. E.  Because you said something else about not keeping a record of wrongs.  Of standing in the gap.

Well, I guess through all of this, I have learned to trust you more.  Feel more loved by you.  Searched your heart more.  And prayed for them more.  Yes, you tell me to love you with all my heart, mind, soul and strength... and to love others as I love myself.  Okay, so I forgive them.  Again.  And I open myself to you to heal my hurting heart. 

Forgive me of my sins as I forgive those who have sinned against me.

But I did by two boxes of these Band-Aids...


elaine @ peace for the journey said...

I'm sorry for the wounding; some relationships are toxic it seems. I have a similar one with my sister. I've learned that boundaries are OK and necessary.

May the comfort and guidance of Christ walk you through this one.


Tammy said...

I pray that in time God will heal the wounds my dear friend. Some relationships are toxic to the heart. Let God bring you comfort and peace.

blessings dear one