“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road;
make me a fork
, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” - Jim Elliot

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Surviving Depression at Christmas

photography by Anthony Kaetzel

Dear friend,

I know this year has been hard for you. Everyone is wishing you a MERRY Christmas or a HAPPY Holidays... and you wish that was true. That it was merry or happy.  But it is not.  You are finding no joy in Christmas this year.  Actually, you find Christmastime to be stressful... anxiety-ridden... and depressing.

You are struggling to make it through Christmas.  You know friends and family mean well when they say, "it's okay... just be happy... it's Christmas." And you are trying.  Trying so hard, but you're thinking that you just want to lie back down and pull the covers over your head.

Surviving Christmas.  Sometimes... we just have to survive Christmas.  We know it is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  And we are thankful for His birth.  But all the rushing... all the purchases... all the interactions with friends and family... all the EXPECTATIONS... all the unmet expectations... well, it is just so overwhelming.

And so here is my gift to you...
Dear Lord,
I pray You would be with my friend today. That You would give them rest and peace. I pray that You would give sensitivity to those they encounter. I pray that You would plant a seed of hope within them.
You say in Romans 8:11 ...if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.  So I pray that You would give life to my friend. Life in their heart, soul, mind and strength.
And that You would be their strength in surviving Christmas.
In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I love you, friend.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Without them I would die.

She asked me almost sheepishly, "Do you ever get tired of taking your meds?"  I paused and thought about her question.  I knew she wasn't asking me.  She was trying to tell me something.  It was about her.  About her being tired of taking her meds.

"No, I don't," I said.  "I don't get tired of taking them." 

Then she said, "Oh, because sometimes I stop taking them and I feel better for a while.  But then I sink, again."

"Yes, I know," I thought.  Side effects.  The good with the bad.  Mentally feeling better, but then there is the weight gain or the lack of sleep or too much sleep or the loss of sensing pleasure.  And, of course, there is the shame.

"No, you know I have to take my meds.  Without them I would die."  And it is true.  Without my thyroid medication I would stop metabolizing and without a miracle my body would stop functioning.  But she wasn't asking about the thyroid medication.  She was asking about the anti-depressants.  But the answer was the same.  "No, you know I have to take my meds.  Without them I would die."

You see, I went for a time without my anti-depressants.  I was so concerned with some of the side-effects that I wanted to go off of them or change them.  Not realizing at the time how different anti-depressants are.  Not knowing how one affects this part of the brain and that one another.  But I wanted to be more normal and not deal with the side-effects.  But I had no idea how the medication I had been on was helping my brain to function.

Not my soul.  Not my spirit.  But my brain.  My physical brain.  How the chemistry had been screwed up because of childhood abuse and trauma.  And then Thyroid Cancer.  And of course, heredity.  But that doesn't shield the shame.  Because I should be stronger.  I should be more joyful.  I should have more faith.  Just snap out of it.   Don't you know how wonderful you have it?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

Yes, I do have it wonderful.  I have a loving husband.  An amazing son.  Friends and family.  A roof over my head and so much more.  I have my Bible and my Bible studies and my church and church family.  I have a God who loves me more than I will ever comprehend and has told me I can come to Him with my needs and asked to be healed.  And I have.

And I believe He has.  Just as He has provided glasses for my farsightedness.  And replacement for my removed thyroid.  What exactly does healing have to look like?  Because in this weakness of mine, I am ever dependent on Him.  The anti-depressants don't fix that.  I still have to depend on Him and be thankful for every breath I breathe and every sane thought I have.

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to share this today.  But I have a feeling that someone needed to know this.  To know that people who appear to have it all together from the outside don't always have it all together.  That shame is a funny thing whether it is imposed by another or not.  Or whether the shame is perceived.  And that not all anti-depressants are the same.  And there is a balance between the benefits and side-effects.  And that anti-depressants don't bring joy, but they give the ability to help experience it once again.

No, I didn't tell her to take her meds anyway.  That is her choice.  She knows her brain better than I do.  I just answered her question.  And a couple questions after that.  Because she felt safe talking to me about it. 

And even though I take my meds and share about it, I still petition the Lord for my healing. 
And whenever the cloud of shame starts to rain, I ask Him, again. 
And His words of life spill in my ear,
"My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness."  
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Praying that today you are comforted by the Father of Comfort and our Lord Jesus Christ.  Grace and peace to you.

Thursday, October 30, 2014


The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Ten - First World Problems

February 10, 2014 - Gojo, Ethiopia
Taken just hours after I wrote in my journal.

Yesterday my husband boarded a plane for Africa with a team from our church.  EAST Africa thousands of miles from the Ebola outbreak, but back to my story... He is taking the same trip that Christopher and I took with him in February.  And as you can imagine this trip is stirring up memories from that trip.  Memories that seem like a lifetime ago.  Memories that continue to shape who I am and especially who I am in Christ.

The trip in February was hard.  Just plain hard.  And there is no getting around that fact.  You cannot make 24 hours of travel time easy.  You cannot make seeing things that you have never seen before not affect you.  Like children who have less than nothing.  Just because you are being obedient to what God called you to does not make the trip easy.  It was hard.  And, actually, that is okay.  Easy is easy.  But hard can be the difference between slipping into a life dedicated to nothing and a life that is dedicated to serving the Lord with all your might.  Hard makes you strong.

As I think of the team headed over to serve, I remember those first few days.  A transition from my cushy American life to something I had never encountered before.  And in my weariness both physically and emotionally I struggled.  Little things became big things that bothered me.  Looking back, of course, I can say whole heartedly that it was worth it all.  But that first morning in Gojo, Ethiopia I wasn't so sure...

February 10, 2014
1st Gojo Morning

This is the morning I lost it.  Or should I say I am losing it.  It is as if the first few days were just a wonderful vacation and I have woken up to reality.  No sleep.  No rest.  But for me it is adjusting to the FWP [First World Problem] of not being able to flush toilet paper.  The toilet paper ends up in a bin next to the toilet which is next to the tub where I am supposed to get clean.  I asked Anthony if he could find something to cover the open bucket - which they remove each day - but I am sick over it.  The bathroom floor is always wet, so I feel like I am dragging the potential for my upcoming stomach bug around the floor of the room.

The tears have come, again.  I cling to the words of Tana H. (who had months earlier taken her first missions trip to Romania) "It will get better."  That it will feel like I want to get on the first plane back home, but in a couple days it will get better.  She persevered and so can I.  My middle name is perseverance, right?

At least the coffee is good.  
Pray for me.  
I don't think I care enough about these people to do this.
And Anthony says it is prepping me for the widows' homes.
I can't feel organized.  Everything is in our large duffel bags which can't be spread out.

I am a wimp, right?

I look forward to re-reading this post and thinking "IT WAS WORTH IT ALL."

Raw words and raw emotions.  But it helps me to pray for the team who will be encountering their 1st day in Gojo on Saturday.  I know it won't be easy for them.

But it will be worth it all.

For more of my thoughts on my trip to Ethiopia and Uganda visit here.  

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Just a few more minutes, please.

Don't wake up just yet.
Sleep a little longer.
Please delay your acceleration into adulthood just a few more minutes for me.
After today there is no turning back.

It may seem like a small thing,
But getting your driver's permit means that my mom role is changing yet, again.
Tears rush forth down my face as I think of how blessed I have been by God to be your mother.
To be the one to walk you through your childhood and growth spurts.
To see you mature and yet still keep a youthful spirit.

Please just lie there a little longer.
Just a few more minutes.
So that I can hold onto your childhood.
And not have to transfer more responsibility to you.
And transfer the ability to drive away.
And move into your adulthood.
Into a life where mom is perhaps cherished more, but needed less.

Just a few more minutes, please.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

I Can't Remain Silent

Originally aired November 1, 2009 when I was in the midst of the Beth Moore Esther Bible Study.

"For if you remain silent at this time,
relief and deliverance for the Jews
will arise from another place,
but you and your father's family will perish.
And who knows but that you have come to
royal position for such a time as this?"
Esther 4:14

I sat there amazed.

A Reversal of Destiny. Chiastic Structure. Divine Insomnia. Peripety. A Story Worth Telling.

No, I wasn't sitting there reading the book of Esther or working on my Esther Bible Study. I was at a fund-raising event for our local Pregnancy Resource Center.

I sat listening. Entranced. There she was on the stage... an Esther of sorts. Telling about a hinge in her life that redirected her path.

She had been 19 when her boyfriend sat her down and told her that there were only two options. Abortion or adoption. And truth be told... he wanted her to have an abortion.

She had been raised in a Christian home. Her parents were active in their church. Her heart hurt over the shame she would cause them... so she remained silent.

They secretly set up an appointment with an abortion clinic. After hearing the details, they decided to schedule the abortion for the next day.

The next day? The tomorrow? That sounded familiar.

If the king regards me with favor and
if it pleases the king
to grant my petition and fulfill my request,
let the king and Haman come tomorrow
to the banquet I will prepare for them.
Then I will answer the king's question.
Esther 5:8

And then she said... that in the night... she thought to herself... I need to talk to someone else before the abortion. But who? And then she recalled seeing brochures around her home about the Pregnancy Resource Center.

Not sleeping? Divine Insomnia? Brochures... chronicles?

That night the king could not sleep;
so he ordered the book of the chronicles,
the record of his reign,
to be brought in and read to him.
Esther 6:1

She told her boyfriend that before she had the abortion, she wanted to go to the Pregnancy Resource Center and talk to someone. And so they did.

And the counselor asked her if she wanted the abortion. And she said no. And the counselor asked her why she was having the abortion. And she said she wanted her boyfriend to say STOP! But he wasn't going to stop her... so she decided to do it.

She decided to stop herself.

And my heart is in my throat... because I am so like... PERIPETY! Here it is... here is THE HINGE! The hinge on which the reversal of destiny turns! Can you believe it?

And THEN she tells us that she hadn't told her daughter until recently. She decided to tell her -- after her daughter threw a Tea Party (or a feast/banquet of sorts), and asked that the money raised from the party go to the Pregnancy Resource Center. Her high school daughter didn't know the story. The Story Worth Telling!

And I am so like... GET OUT OF HERE! Chiastic Structure!? The very place (Pregnancy Resource Center) that had rescued her (the daughter)... she is now trying to rescue (by raising money).

The Reversal of Destiny. A precious daughter destined to be aborted...

And there she was... the precious daughter... in the room with us. Standing there. And she was beautiful and lovely. An Esther of sorts. Who had sat through her mother telling us Her Story Worth Telling.

With my heart in my throat, I quietly thanked the Lord that I was privileged to hear this story... and to hear it within days of learning about Reversal of Destiny in session six of the Esther Bible Study. And that it would be seared in my mind. Not just a lesson to be learned, but a story to be told.

A story of life. A story of redemption.

A story worth telling... and I thought... I can't remain silent.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Quit Helping Others

Even on crutches, I can snap green beans...

I hurt my knee the other week.  I can't put weight on it.  I can't walk without pain.  And when I realized that I would need someone to drive me to see the doctor, I knew immediately who I would ask.  I knew who would want to help me.  It was a friend who had asked me to help her after she was in a car accident.  Well, and actually that was two separate times.  I knew she would have no hesitation to help me in my time of need.  And she didn't hesitate.  She was more then happy to help me.  And she knew exactly the type of TLC I needed because she had experienced it from me.

Yesterday another friend came over and brought lunch.  After a time of conversation she looked me straight in the eye and asked me what else she could do for me.  I could tell she meant business.  That she hadn't traveled the half hour to see me just to be told that I didn't need her help.  Because I did.  And she knew it.  And I knew it.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I struggled with the thought of accepting her offer of acts of service.  Accepting things like quality time or gifts or touch or words of affirmation... well, that just comes so easy to me.  But having to mouth the words, "yes, I was hoping to work on the laundry today" or "there are some dishes in the sink that won't fit in the dishwasher" felt like I was betraying our friendship.  Somehow allowing her to literally see my dirty laundry just might curse our friendship.  And really - don't most people want to just be let off the hook?

Oh, how I wanted to say, "Don't worry about it" but I also knew that she might leave at that moment.  So, I swallowed hard and let her help me.  And each time she asked "What else?" new hot tears would form.  And I told her so.  I kept telling her how hard it was.  And then tears welled in her eyes, too.

“Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: 
Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; 
then grab the initiative and do it for them!" 
 Luke 6:31 in the Message version of the Bible

Oddly enough it occurred to me that I was living out the Golden Rule.  I was doing for her what I want others to do for me.  When I offer assistance that it would be lovingly accepted as an act of service.  How often have I been let off the hook when I truly wanted to serve?  When all I felt I had to give was a few moments of time that could be translated into clean dishes?  But I was told, "Don't worry about it" and so I left feeling that I hadn't helped at all.

And for her.  She, too, was living out the Golden Rule.  Surely, I would be the first one she would call in a time of need.  "Put me on the top of the list, please!"  Because if she left without being giving the opportunity to serve me, how would she feel in her time of need?  Would she feel comfortable reaching out to me?  Most likely not.  But now we are in some type of agreement.  Some type of covenant.  That we will be there for each other in times of need. 

I mentioned to my son that I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of help.  That it was so hard to accept it.  And with true wisdom he said, "Quit helping others, mom.  Then you won't have this problem."  Touché, my son.


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Clothe Yourself With Strength and Dignity
Even When You Are Hiking the Grand Canyon
and Smith Rock

God's Beauty... captured by my iPhone 
while waiting for Anthony to complete a 50K 
at Smith Rock State Park in Central Oregon

Beautiful.  Awe-inspiring.  Breath-taking.
Smith Rock boasts of God's handiwork.

Anthony thought it would be fun for him to run around Smith Rock this weekend by participating in a 50K race with 4,500 feet elevation gain.  I thought it would be fun to sit down and wait for him.

And as I waited for him to complete the race, I decided to capture the magnificance of the view with my minds-eye.  And my iPhone.

The next day we would hike some of the trails.  And as I huffed and puffed my way up out of the Crooked River Canyon and I noticed some people watching me... I felt a deja-vu moment.  When there was another time that I was climbing out of a canyon... and felt a little insecure...

Originally Posted on Saturday, September 3rd, 2011
Clothe Yourself With Strength and Dignity
Even When You Are Hiking the Grand Canyon

 Looking Over Ooh Aah Point and Cedar Ridge from Yavapai Point 
(Saturday, almost 24 hours after the hike.) August, 2011
Anthony brings the tripod to capture the three of us!
On Friday, we hiked to Ooh Aah Point (and Cedar Ridge) from the South Kaibab Trailhead in the Grand Canyon.  It was a 1.8 mile hike down into the canyon.  Descending 1200-1500 feet.  And with all the ooohing and aahhing we did... it took about 2 hours to get down to our goal destination.  We took the recommended amount of water per person.  We lathered the sunscreen.  We had hats and light clothing.  We had a lunch and snacks.  And we took plenty of rest breaks and photo op breaks.

Needless to say that this 43-year old mama was pretty durn proud of herself when she reached Ooh Aah Point (and Cedar Ridge).  Success!  What a goal for me... and what a view.  360 degrees of Grandiosa Canyon!  We were IN the canyon.  Seeing vistas that a majority of visitors would never see.  It was hot, but worth it.  We sat eating our lunch and swatting off the very aggressive red ants.  Looking at every detail far and near.

And then it was time.  Huh?  So, what you are telling me is that the real goal... the real success... would be getting this mama out of the canyon!  Still with plenty of water and rest, we headed back the way we came.  I knew it wouldn't be as scenic this time.  It would require every ounce of energy I could muster to get myself to the top.  

Worried?  Yup, he was.  Anthony was worried that I might suffer heat exhaustion.  So he hiked behind me.  Step by step.  Checking me every so often.  And making me rest and cool off as best as he could.  But the inevitable happened... and I was starting to suffer... and we knew it.  Our beloved water was becoming rarer and rarer.  Time to pray?  For sure!

And who would have imagined it?  But that a light rain began to pour down on us.  Just at the right time.  What a gift from God... because we knew without the blessing of raindrops we were going to have a situation on our hands.  It cooled my body temperature and I was able to pull/drag/tug/heave myself out of the canyon. 

She is clothed with strength and dignity... 
Proverbs 31:25

And as I was relishing my success... and dousing myself in water that was now so readily available... I found a rock to sit on as we waited for the bus to take us back to the car.

And as if I needed an example to share about my insecurity... I was about to get it.  Like it or not.  As we were waiting, I overheard a group of twenty-somethings say something about "how tired she looked... how worn out... how ragged."  And I looked up.  And they were all staring at me.

Immediately, almost instinctively, my head went straight down in shame.  I felt shame.  I knew how I looked.  I hadn't brought make-up or a hair curler or even a brush.  Barely any jewelry.  And even my top and shorts didn't quite match.  I knew my face was flushed red.  And I was still struggling to get my breathing back to normal.

And then almost as immediately, I felt this strange urge within me.  Shame?  I have NOTHING to be ashamed about it.  I am the same woman who was so proud of herself for pushing through and finishing this hike.  I am the same woman who decided not to worry with makeup.  Not to worry with my hair.  I was the one who decided to seek comfort over couture.  

And then in my strength and dignity, 
I raised my head.  
And looked them square in the eyes.  
And then I smiled.  
And my insecurity vanished 
as quickly as it came.

I have to admit that I am not sure of which instance I am more proud of... conquering the hike to and from Ooh Aah Point... or so instantly refusing insecurity to get the best of me.  Both things took a lot of hard work to do.  And I will always treasure the day that I hiked with my family and I will look at the photos and have the memories with me.  But knowing that I am getting to a point where I am not allowing my feelings and actions and reactions to be controlled by my insecurity... well, you know... that... is... PRICELESS!

Whether you are taking a hike... or trying to overcome your insecurity... make sure to invite some friends to go along with you!  I am so very grateful for the women who joined me this summer as we said, "So Long, Insecurity!"  We will complete our study on this Tuesday, but we are not finished.  We will continue on the journey, but this time we have one another!  Thank you, precious sisters, who helped me stay in the Word this summer.

Wordle: summer names 2

Friday, April 4, 2014

Nathan's Momma

The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Nine - The Baby Whisperer

 Me and Baby Nathan
Mbale, Uganda - February 2014
photography by Anthony Kaetzel

We were in Mbale, Uganda.  Our first opportunity to meet with the church planters from Uganda, Kenya and South Sudan.  As I began to sit down, I noticed one of the church planters.  A woman.  And I felt compelled to sit right next to her.  It felt awkward, but I got up from where I was sitting and sat next to her and gave her a smile.  You get to a point when you are in Africa that you better just go ahead and be obedient when you get a nudge from the Holy Spirit.  (Of course, we should follow that nudge anywhere, right?)

The local Ugandan pastor, John Wandera, was encouraging us to say hello to those sitting around us.  I introduced myself and was surprised that she spoke English.  It wasn't unusual for a Ugandan to speak English... it was just that all the women I had interacted with in Ethiopia had not.  It was like a breath of fresh air being able to communicate with her.  With Evelyn.  (Pronounced Eve-lean.)

We sat beside each other and listened as the pastor spoke.  Later I had moved to another area of the sanctuary as the official teaching began.  Christopher had been taking photos and showed me a photo of a baby that was sleeping in the building.  Soon I found out it was Evelyn's baby.  Nathan.  (Pronounced Naa-thaan.)  

Precious Nathan was 3 months old.  Born September 21st of 2013.  Actually born during the time of the last church planter training in Uganda.  Evelyn was still breast-feeding and brought Nathan to the church training.  She had ridden about 15 miles on a boda boda with Nathan.  Boda boda = motorcycle for hire.  She would have sat side saddle with Nathan between her and the driver.  I couldn't even imagine.

And then I wondered... could I hold Nathan?  And then I wondered... is this why I am here in Uganda at this church planter training?  Is this my ministry?  To care for Nathan while his mom was receiving training? 

Yes.  Yes, it was.

 Evelyn, me, Nathan and Jade

So, here I was.  Ministering to one.  Doing for one.  Helping one person.  Loving on her baby.  Praying for him to become a man of God.  Singing to him.  Wondering in song if the fox speaks the same language in Uganda?

And then Sunday afternoon we visited Evelyn's church.  A congregation of 200 sitting under a tarp waiting for us to arrive.  And I see Evelyn leading her church with her husband beside her.  She is the pastor.  He is the teacher.  And I see Evelyn... I see her clearly as a leader.  Leading her flock.  A woman who has been moved to give up any form of a comfortable life to reach the lost in this village.  To share hope.  To share the gospel of Jesus Christ.

 Dwight giving his testimony at Evelyn's church
with her husband translating for the congregation

And as I cradled Nathan and as Evelyn shepherded... I realized that my little ministry of holding a baby... wasn't just for Evelyn.  It wasn't just for her.  It was for them.  It was for these 200 people.  It was for the ones who weren't here yet.  For those who would be drawn to Jesus Christ because Evelyn cared.  Because she wanted to plant a church.  Because she wanted to attend a training that would give her wisdom and encouragement and leadership skills.  And she needed a little time to concentrate.  She needed her hands free to take notes.  Some time to participate.

And here I am, again.  My Type B personality.  Deciding to hold a baby.  For hours.  Over a couple days.  Something that may have seemed insignificant.  That may have gone unnoticed.  But God showed me what He saw.  What He saw in the importance of what Evelyn was doing.  What He saw in the importance of what I was doing.  How kind of Him to show me.

Nathan's Momma, Nathan and Me

She had no hesitation with me holding him.
Which I did for hours.
Like his second momma.
And it may not make a lot of difference in the whole world.
But it did for her...
and for her husband...
and for her other children...
and for her congregation...
and for her village.

But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! 
For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those 
who are like these children."  Matthew 19:14

For more of my thoughts on my trip to Ethiopia and Uganda visit here.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

a most highly treasured gift

We were at Bible Study yesterday.  Talking at our table.  Discussing how women in the church hurt one another.  So much so that we walk out of a church.  Or all churches.  Or put up a wall so high that no woman will ever be able to hurt us,  again.  Or so we think.  We are hurt within our isolation.  We shut ourselves out of receiving fellowship and healing and discipleship. 

Someone asked, "Where is it that women meet in a group and don't get hurt?"

Honestly, I don't know.  But what I do know is that we need each other.  We bumble and fumble and make mistakes and bring along our past garbage. (Hippocampus, right?)  But what I want you to know is that I think it is all worth it.  It can take time.  And sometimes a chunk of self-examination.

Another friend recently reminded me of this blog post. 
She is giving her sisters-in-Christ another opportunity.
And her friendship is a most highly treasured gift to me.

But she has decided to wipe the tears away. 
Reapply her mascara.
Get in the car. And drive.

photography by Anthony Kaetzel

She is going tonight.
It is a fight for her.
She would much rather stay home.

But she knows this is good for her.
And perhaps...
Just maybe...
She'll meet someone.

Someone who will make her feel
Not alone.

But as she packs her suitcase...
Tears flood her eyes.
Because she is not sure.
Because she is insecure.

Why would she think
It would be different this time?
That it is worth the risk?

She fears that she will sit alone.
And others will notice, but not reach out.
They will all be content to stay
In their warm cozy cliques.

And she will tell herself...
"See, I told you so.
I am not trying anymore."

But she has decided to wipe the tears away.
Reapply her mascara.
Get in the car.
And drive.

She prays silently as she drives.
Asking God for something...
Wondering if it is wrong of her for wanting...
A friend.

And I have been praying for her.
Because I have been her.
And I will be there...
Waiting for her.

And I want her to know
There are others praying for her.
And they will be there...
Waiting for her.

She is going to a women's retreat tonight.
It is a fight for her.
But she will be glad
That she did not stay home.

Monday, March 3, 2014

My Precious Ethiopian Knitting Protégés

The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Eight - Knitting in Ethiopia

My Precious Knitting Protégés.
Don't you love how they picked yarn colors to match their outfits?!
One of the gals is wearing my pink hat because she hadn't completed hers yet.
She wouldn't pose for the photo without one!
Tuesday, February 11th, 2014 

I knew from the moment I was going to Ethiopia that I would be teaching knitting.
Linda told me so.

I remember e-mailing Linda in November of 2012 while she was in Ethiopia.  She said something about needing me to come to Ethiopia.  I laughed.  But she meant it.  And so I began to ponder it in my heart.

Linda is our Vice President of Petros Network and the Redemptive Lift / Relief and Development Director for Petros Network.  She is also Portland Christian Center's Communications / Adult Education Pastor.  Our senior pastor's wife.  And a friend.  She and Anthony have traveled with a team from Petros multiple times together.  Now, it was my turn.  And she knew what she wanted me to do.  She wanted the widows to be able to knit a hat so that they could keep warm on the cool nights that 10,000 feet provide at Gojo.  And perhaps even make knitting a trade that they could market.

As I prepared for my trip to Ethiopia I knew I needed to find a pattern for a knit hat that would use straight needles.  Normally, hats are knit on circular needles and are specific to hat size, yarn type and pattern.  And they are beyond a beginner knitter.  And they are beyond me teaching them through an interpreter and beyond me being able to communicate how to keep all the stitches straight and not twisted.

And I wasn't sure how many widows I would be teaching or what materials would be available to me.  So I needed a hat pattern that was easily altered dependent upon yarn and needle size.  Fortunately, we have a knitter extraordinaire at our church, Jan R, who went to work on creating such a pattern.  She's brilliant!  And even gave me a sample hat to take along.  And then I needed donated materials which came in through other knitters at the church:  Jan W, Jan B and Donna L.  And Barb P donated yarn and an easy knit shawl pattern.  I had yarn, needles and finishing needles.  I thought I was set!

One special donation came from Gary B.  At first I didn't recognize the name, but then it came to me.  His wife had passed away about two years earlier.  He had actually gone to Ethiopia about a year ago and dedicated one of the churches to his wife.  She was the mom of a dear friend, Leila C.  Leila and I had shared many memories because our husbands would travel together multiple times to Ethiopia.  And I had always thought she might go before I did.  But now I was taking some of her precious mom's knitting supplies to help widows in their distress.  It was a sentimental moment for me.

We arrived in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia on Friday morning.  We would then head to Gojo on Sunday.  And Monday was the big day for me.  I knew I had 11 widows arriving at 1pm.  Fortunately, I had some time to prepare that morning.  I realized I only had 11 sets of the suggested size 8 needles I needed, but I needed to make a hat, too. So I grabbed a set of size 9 needles and adjusted the pattern easily!  And there was some hot pink yarn.  PERFECT!

Then I realized I didn't have anything to cut the yarn with!  Scissors are not easy to come by!  Fortunately, there are plenty of bottled carbonated sodas that were consumed.  I asked everyone to give me their bottle caps and they became the yarn cutters.  The widows actually laughed about my ingenuity.  Necessity is the mother of invention, right?

Binyam, Kari, Linda and Me
Monday, February 10th, 2014

On Monday afternoon eleven Petros Network sponsored widows arrived at the guest house to learn how to knit a hat.  Linda knew I was nervous, so she grabbed my hand and gave me a warm introduction.  Now, I had to use the interpreter.  I had NO idea how difficult it would be.  Specifically because it was a man.  A man who did not know anything about knitting.  And was a bit baffled when after teaching them to cast on and then knit a row, I needed him to explain how to purl.  Of course, they didn't need to know the word PURL they just needed to know how to do it!

Some of the widows picked up the pattern quickly.  They had remembered what they had learned when Suzi S had went in November 2012 to teach them how to knit a simple scarf.  What a blessing when they started teaching and helping each other.

Me teaching Tolesh how to cast stitches on to a needle

On the second day, the widows arrived at 9am and would be there until 5:30pm.  And this time I would be teaching them without an interpreter.  Some of the widows had completed the knitting portion of their cap, so one by one I showed them how to seam the hat together and then finish the piece.  And then those who finished helped others.  But they were ready for more.

Then - without an interpreter - I began teaching them advance knitting skills.  I started with the widow who had finished her hat first and somehow managed to tell her to cast on 22 stitches.  Pointing at the pattern and speaking English - although they could understand none of my words.  
Cast on stitches.
Knit for 6 rows.
Purl, Yarn Over, Purl Two Together for 6 rows.
Then repeat pattern.
Bind off.
And they did.  And it was beautiful.  I hadn't even thought that they might run out of yarn for their scarves, but they didn't.  And we would sit and knit for hours.  They were content.  And so I sat and knit alongside them.

Tolesh's 14-year old son, Benjamin
Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
Most of the time I spent with the widows I was exhausted and sick.  
So at the time it was difficult to even grasp and comprehend all that I am writing now.
Linda kept reminding me that I was doing such an important work.  I wasn't so sure at the time.

But one of the most precious moments of the trip for me was when we went to visit the homes of some of the widows on Wednesday.  When we arrived at the first home, Benjamin was wearing the hat his mother had completed just the day before.  

I have to admit I had wondered all along what might happen to the knit creations after I left.  
Seeing him proudly wear the hat 
gave me a sense that I had taught 
a life skill 
that would be a blessing to the widows and their families 
long after I arrived back home.

For more of my thoughts on my trip to Ethiopia and Uganda visit here.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

A fragrance of my presence...

The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Seven - The Fragrance

Guest House, Gojo Ethiopia
Tuesday, February 11th, 2014

Written on Wednesday 2/12/2014
In Gojo, Ethiopia

Yesterday, I would sit with the widows for hours.  Just knitting.  No interpreter.  Just me and them.  Smiling.  Nodding.  Me giving a thumbs up which always made me feel silly, but I didn't know how else to show my pleasure of their progress.
No words.
Just me
and them
and the sound
of knitting needles.

A gift of my presence.  An American who flew half way around the world to sit with them.  To teach them to knit.  And to knit with them.  The gift of my presence.

But I wanted more.  I wanted to be able to use my words.  Because I am an encourager.  I thought words would be a gift.  But there would be no words.  Teaching knitting through wordless example.

No words - and so I was missing out.  I wanted... me... for me... just some words.

But for them I was a fragrance of Christ.

For we are a fragrance
of Christ to God
among those who are 
being saved and
among those who are 

2 Corinthians 2:15

It was written on a 3x5 note card with a heart sticker that my precious 88-year old Jean B. had written and asked me to take with me on my trip to Africa.  And when I looked at it on Monday morning before it all began -- I knew it was a verse I would hold on to and cherish.  And so I did.

And this morning as I pondered an encouragement from my pastor that it was a gift that I could sit and work on the process of knitting all day.  That he himself could not possibly sit still and do the process all day.  Just go buy a hat and scarf, why don't you?  I finally realized that this Type B personality - which in the midst of many Type A personalities didn't seem to show much value at least to me - all of the sudden made complete sense.

There were no words.
But there was a fragrance.
A fragrance of my presence
"among those who are
being saved and among 
those who are perishing"
that would last longer
than the words I thought
I could offer.

No words.
Just me
and them
and the sound
of knitting needles.

For more of my thoughts on Ethiopia/Uganda visit here.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Lord, why am I here? What do I have to offer?

The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Six - BELIEVE

Gojo, Ethiopia - February 13, 2014
200 Church Planters and the Petros Network Team
photography by Anthony Kaetzel

For this thinker-type personality my thoughts are hard to formulate about our recent trip to Africa.  There are so many words and thoughts, but making them land on my keyboard seems a bit difficult.  But I will force them out because if I don't I fear they might be lost.  And that would be tragic.

At the beginning of the trip Pastor Ray Noah tackled the questions that were plaguing almost all of us throughout the trip:  Lord, why am I here?  What do I have to offer?  He admitted he still wondered that himself.  But he felt God had given him a word to embrace:  BELIEVE.

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24
BELIEVE... that you are here in God's will.  No matter how you got here.
BELIEVE... that you are here for a divine purpose.
BELIEVE... that you are walking in God's provision.
BELIEVE... that God will use you to bless those you come in contact with.
BELIEVE... that God will use those you come in contact with to bless you.
BELIEVE... that this trip will change your life-trajectory.
And also to know that whatever lies before us we should BELIEVE that God has already gone before us.

It makes me think of Beth Moore's study Believing God when she shares - "As forcefully as God has ever spoken to my heart, He said, 'you believe in Me, Beth. Now I want you to believe Me.'”

Believe Me.

And that's what I had to do.  Believe God.  Believe that He would use this suburban house-wife and mother for a divine purpose in Africa.  Whose only assignment was to teach widows how to knit a hat.  Who felt insignificant for the mission.  But believing that He would use this willing vessel.

And now that I have returned home I wonder what God would have me do with all He has shown me.  And I guess I need to believe that He can use me as much at home as He did there.  And that I will pass that message on to those who are willing to hear it.

And that I will encourage those I come in contact with to
Believe God.

For more of my thoughts on my trip to Ethiopia and Uganda visit here. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Me and The Fresh Prince

Me and The Fresh Prince
I guess they ran out of time for the ~topher.

I hate keeping secrets.  Especially from those I love.  But I can and I do.

Over a week ago I found out that Christopher had been chosen as the Homecoming Freshman Class Prince.  And he wouldn't find out until today.  It's been a long week of close calls.

They had asked the parents to announce their child's name to the Homecoming Court along with a story about them.  Okay, how was I going to do that without embarrassing him???  I secretly prayed that he would find out, so that I could ask him what I should say.  But, alas... that did not happen.  You weren't to announce their name until the very end, so people could guess, so last night I decided to write out a couple riddle clues that would reveal who he was without sharing too much.

Here are some fun riddles.clues.randomfacts.insidejokes about The Fresh(man) Prince:
For additional insight I've added some information in italics that I didn't use in the introduction.

  1. He would say his claim to fame is that he is the only native Oregonian on our family tree.  We are ALL from the East Coast!
  2. But you would think he lives in Baltimore when he cheers for baseball.  Orioles.
  3. Or Dallas (and Baltimore) when he cheers for football. Cowboys and Ravens.
  4. Or Anaheim for ice hockey. Ducks.  Today was support your favorite sports team for Spirit week so all these clues made sense to me. 
  5. But you know for sure Portland is his hometown when he cheers in the TA "Rose City Til I Die." If you received a Christmas Card... our favorite sports team is our Major League Soccer Team, the Portland Timbers.  We sit in the TA or Timbers Army.  Rose City is Portland's nickname.
  6. And as far as basketball is concerned… he is only happy when Mike & Mike call the game.  They are two local announcers for the Portland Trailblazers.  Win or lose they are on the hometeam!
  7. And the college team in Corvallis is his favorite.  Oregon State Beavers.
  8. Most students wouldn't be interested in getting an F.  But he is.  Well, as a bass (baritone) who wouldn't want to be able to hit an F sharp?  On the TV show The Sing Off there was a country group that sang Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash and one of the guys hit an F sharp so low you could barely hear it!
  9. If you saw the performances of A Mid Summer Night’s Dream, you would know “The Butler Did it!” Christopher played the butler in the play earlier in the year.
  10. He hates when his parents call his favorite game “Minesweeper.”  Mommm, it is called "Minecraft"!!!!!!
  11. Some would say he only wears graphic t-shirts, hoodies, shorts and nike elites. Of course, not today when I am announcing him... of all days!
  12. He just went to Comic Con and got to see the man who inspired his childhood superhero.  Yes, despite what others may protest… Spiderman is a superhero.  One of his teachers insists that Spiderman is not a superhero.  But he really is!!!!
  13. He’ll have a new stamp in his passport next week as he travels to Ethiopia and Uganda on a missions trip sharing the love of God to local missionaries and orphans.  Leaving in a week.  Wait, what???
  14. He has never been called shy.  Have you met my son?
  15. He is happy to be known as different.  Have you met my son?
  16. And his final claim to fame?  He is my favorite son.  To which he would say… “Mom, I’m your only son.” And I reply, “True, but you’re still my favorite.”
I was relieved to know that I did not embarrass him... but wait for it!  Because we get to go to Homecoming!!!  And you never know what his dad might do!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Do For One What You Wish You Could Do For Everyone

The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Five - The Need

Precious Ethiopian Boy.
photography by Anthony Kaetzel

"Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, 
or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you 
a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?   
And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?" 
 And the King will answer them, "Truly, I say to you, 
as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, 
you did it to me."  Matthew 25:37-40

Often I am asked how I am feeling about going to Ethiopia and Uganda.  Excited?!  Nervous?  And my answer most often has been "Yes.  Yes, I am."  I think I am nervous and excited.  But not so much.

I thought that it had to do with me controlling my feelings about the trip (ummm, I have been known to do that), but lately I have the sense that God has put blinders on me.  He is only allowing me to see what He wants me to see.  He is not allowing me to look to the side and be spooked or distracted.  Just enough sight before me to move ahead to the next day and no further.  He knows me.  He knows if I have a little bit more in my view that my thinker-type personality would begin to take me over and I would drown in my thoughts.

Because it is overwhelming.  I have heard enough of the stories from Anthony (mind you - not all of them) to know I am going to get my socks shocked off my feet through my shoes.  That I am going to see poverty the likes that I have never seen.  I am going to hear stories of witchcraft and abuses.  I am going to smell smells and taste tastes that are so very foreign to me.

And I am going to meet people.  Lots of people.  Lots and lots of people.  So many people.  And I am going to want to help... e a c h  and  e v e r y  O N E  of them.  I am going to want to save them from the lurid situation that they live in.  I am going to want to fix it.  I am going to want to make a difference in e a c h  and  e v e r y  O N E  of them.  Can I even make a difference?  At all?

Oh, God.  The need is too great.  There are too many to help.  What difference can I make?

An old man had a habit of early morning walks on the beach.   One day, after a storm, he saw a human figure in the distance moving like a dancer.  As he came closer he saw that it was a young woman and she was not dancing but was reaching down to the sand, picking up a starfish and very gently throwing it back into the ocean.

"Young lady," he asked, "Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"

"The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I do not throw them in they will die."

"But young lady, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You cannot possibly make a difference."

The young woman listened politely, paused and then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves, saying,
"It made a difference for that one."  ~~ The Starfish Story

And I guess that is where the blinders come in... I sense that God has prompted me to do for one what I wish I could do for everyone.  Over two years ago I came across a sermon by Andy Stanley that touched on this very thought.  "One, Not Everyone:  How can you make a difference in a big world with big needs when everything you have to offer seems, by comparison, small and inadequate?"

Because when I think of ALL the people who need help, I may just get overwhelmed and do nothing at all.  If I truly see the need I might start to make excuses.  I would realize there's just too many miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it... And who am I? 

"If we all did for one what we wish we could do for everyone,
it might change the world. 
But certainly, it would change one person's world. 
It may even change your world." 
~ Andy Stanley
And so I go.  Looking only at that which God has placed before me.  Reaching out to the widow who is in my presence.  To the orphan who God has placed before me.  Knowing that I may not be able to to help everyone I come in contact with, but that I can reach out to the one.

And I will know that
it made a difference for that one.

For more of my thoughts on my trip to Ethiopia and Uganda visit here.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Did God Really Say...

The Ethiopia/Uganda Chronicles
Chapter Four - The Doubt

Ethiopian boy chasing the team van.  
photography by Anthony Kaetzel

It was November.  A Saturday.  We were scheduled to get our immunizations for Ethiopia and Uganda later that morning.

He came down the stairs and he was upset.  He told us that he just realized he would be missing a couple of competitions in February when we were in Africa.  He was beside himself.  These were competitions that he had been preparing for... one for almost a year.

He wondered to us if he was really supposed to go to Ethiopia and Uganda.  He didn't feel called.  Perhaps God had spoken to us about it, but God had not spoken to him.  He was frustrated.

His father calmly asked him to find out the dates of the competition to be certain that they were conflicting with our trip to Africa.  He went upstairs.  He went to his room.  He shut his door.

And as a mother I wondered... Did God really say Christopher was to go to Ethiopia?  I cried as I thought of the sacrifice we were asking him to make.  Perhaps he could stay home.  Perhaps I was being selfish and wanting him to go with us for the wrong reasons.  He was right.  God had spoken to us as parents, but not to him.  Perhaps I should intervene and we could always change our minds.  I could fix this.

I walked down the stairs full of emotion.  Wanting to take away the pain.

But there he sat.  Calm.  Composed.  Resolute.  Talking with his dad.  He explained to me that he had felt prompted to read the second chapter of the book of James in the Bible.  And when he read James 2:14-17,  he knew what he had to do.  He knew his faith needed action.

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.  James 2:14-17

And that was it.  He was changed.  God had spoke.  He listened.  That was that.

And I was dumbfounded at the thought that I almost saved him from it.  Saved him from hearing from the Lord.  From the opportunity to press into what seemed important to him to what seemed important to God.  I almost protected him from something that would change his life forever.

But God intervened.  God took care of it.  And He will.  He will always take care of it. 
Thank you, God.

For more of my thoughts on my trip to Ethiopia and Uganda visit here. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Desert of Depression: Celebrating January 15th...
The Eighth Anniversary

photography by Anthony Kaetzel

...because you know that 
the testing of your faith 
develops perseverance.
James 1:3 NIV 

Today, January 15th, is a special day for me.  It is the 8th anniversary of my "dark night of the soul."  I celebrate this day because I have persevered... and continue to persevere.  My major depressive episode of 2006 brought me to my knees.  Depression was... and continues to be a test of my faith.  And as I look back I can see that my ability and willingness to persevere in the face of depression has grown stronger... has made me more complete... has made me more mature... and has shown me that I lack nothing when I turn towards the healer of my mind, soul, heart and body.

The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, 
 Prepare ye the way of the LORD, 
 make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  
 Isaiah 40:3 KJV

This week I have been studying about John the Baptist.  About how he hung out in the desert and that he prepared the way of the Lord... and not only the way of the Lord, but also he prepared a way to the Lord. 

"And he will go on before the Lord, 
in the spirit and power of Elijah, 
to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and 
the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous
—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” 
Luke 1:17 NIV

And it made me think of the ministry that God has placed before me.  That He has chosen for me.  He uses my intimate knowledge and experience with depression to prepare a way for others who are suffering with depression.  I am not the one who heals or the one who counsels or the one who diagnoses or creates a prognosis.  I am the one who shows the way towards the conquering of depression.  I am a living breathing resource.

I am a living breathing resource.  And sometimes I wonder if that is why He keeps her so near.  Because I have not conquered my depression, but I am conquering my depression.  And because it is something that tests my faith almost daily and has developed my perseverance, I am able to pass on to those who don't even know who they are fighting... a sword and a shield.  A fighting chance.  And better yet, I am able to tell them that I have persevered and am persevering... and they will get better... because God is greater than depression.

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, 
when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. 
You know that under pressure, your faith-life is 
forced into the open and shows its true colors. 
So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. 
Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, 
not deficient in any way."  James 1:2-4 MSG

A reminder for me that I don't need to run away from the testing of my faith...
that it develops my ability to persevere
and reminds me of the One
who fights for me.

Let me pray for you, friend.